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Just a Test

I feel as though
someone has just handed me
the verdict
in the trial of my life.
I have not succeeded
but rather failed
the mission
that has driven me for all of these years
Since the time i took my first breath
I have wept
never slept
rather crept around the corners and shadows
winding roads
with calloused toes
oh no one knows
they say they do
but with eyes glazed over
minds remaining quite closed
like the doors
that I've encountered before
locked tight
late at night
my soul takes flight
wandering about the debris
shattered stone
brick and bone
all of those pieces
that make me
Trying to make sense
as my heart attempts to repent
for all of the times
I silently gave my consent
for the abuse
Yes I was the one who tied the noose
around my own neck
So why am I so perplexed
when I look to the future
and see there is nothing next
except for the period at the end of this text
It's hard to believe
this was all just a test

To be loved like you

Maybe she's right
I can't say that my father loves me
or my mother for that matter
in fact the only thing I can say that matters
to either of them is hurting the other one
Maybe I am that one
one person in a nation of billions
surrounded by love
who has managed to escape
untouched by the hands of kindness
and generosity
instead I get looks
of disapproval
and slapped with feelings of inadequacy
every time I think I have found
someone to
love
me
as a being
as a friend
as a lover
as a sister
or a mother
Maybe I'm not cut out for this shit
to be a part of your main stream
maybe i should stop trying to be
that fish in the sea
worth catching
maybe I'm just a guppy
or I minnow
hell I don't know
Maybe I'm a shark or a poison fish
piranha
but why does everyone seem to wanna
hurt me so much
when all I long for
is a delicate touch
even a glimpse would do
if in the end
I could say
that I knew
what it was like
to be loved
like you

Let me be....

Do you know that this is love?
Or do you think this is a game?
Why don't you believe me when I say it?
Words being the currency of my life.
I hang on them
swing from them like they were my toy
breath them
as if they were my air
swim in them
as if they were the ocean
dream from them
as if they were my clouds
changing shape
and meaning with each breeze.
I need you the way
the wind needs the trees
or the trees
need
the sun
sun needs the earth
or the earth needs
and the sand and the dirt
let me be who I am
and love me for being
just that.
unlock the cage around your soul
and let yourself take hold
of my hand
trust me to be
your moment worth remembering.

Tags:

Convicted by my own convictions

I believe in doing the right thing
is that such a crime?
Because all the time
I feel like I'm on trial
the people around me living in denial.
I wonder if I'll
ever break
out of this place
It's such a disgrace
To be surrounded by liars and thieves
trying to deceive
and do whatever they please
I'm down on my knees
touching the fleas
Look I'm not asking for life to be a breeze
just give me a reprise
one more revival
it's a must for my survival
so long since I've been happy
that I've forgotten how to smile
if you don't believe me
just try and walk a mile
in these busted up shoes
I'm sure you'll feel like yesterdays news
Why am I always the one who has to lose?
Is it any wonder why I turn to booze
for the buzz
from drugs
to addictions
when my soul is stuck in this
constant state of confliction
can somebody cure me
of these convictions?

I'm on a roll. Maybe.

Come and spend the night...
(Inspired by Sad Eyes, by Bat for Lashes)

Come and spend the night
Inside of my mind,
I promise I won't bite.
It's a little dark,
and sometimes quiet,
I'll try not to walk too fast
as I show you around.
Forgive me if I seem a little nervous,
I'm not used to the company.
The drifting cold on your feet
comes from the still broken heart
The occasional slamming of the door
happens every time someone else leaves
You'll get used to it
just as I've done
Try to resist the urge to run
It's all in fun
or perhaps I'm just numb
Why am I always the one
The one with the aches and pains
and deep punctures to the veins
product of a voodoo doll
in the hands of careless kids
wondering what I ever did
to deserve this type of torment
Yes, forgive me if I forget what I'm saying
it's just that, in my head I'm constantly slaying
the demons and dragons of my past
I have a little trouble letting go of the last person who

trespassed
over these grounds
where my own soul resides
buried under the landslides of disappointment
that had been piling up over the years
It was perhaps my biggest fear
but today marks another year
since I had any company here.
my heart is on my sleeve
I could never conceive another's ability
to deceive
so grant me this reprieve
over being the prisoner that I have become.

Will it ever be?

This a piece from the vault that was never posted anywhere else until now


I look at you
through tear glazed eyes
see the smile
and i'm dying
a little faster than ever before
You're fading
faster than I can run
I haven't made you see
that you're the one
that I want to grow old with
dance with
smile with
soak up the sun with
and yes it was my fault
because when you showed me the wound
I threw in the salt
The lashing out
at me
when it wasn't me
made me feel helpless
and I wanted to heal you
I never meant to hurt you
but still I'm the one to blame
and all I can feel is shame
it's a shame
we can't seem to get it right
and we stay locked into this fight
But at the end of the night
you're the one I want to hold
and you're still the one
I want to look at when I'm old
I wish I was more for you
and less of me
Will it ever be???

Tags:

Just fucking breath!

It's amazing how night after night
my life repeats itself
rewinds
starts again
like some cruel part of fate
as if God is just a small child playing with an
insanely large remote.

I know that I am being numbed
by the things around me
I have two phones lying beside my hand
as I write
a computer that yells at me
everytime it's my turn to call
on this poker game
I can't seem to get enough of

and I remember the day that
I laughed at the thought of
friends hanging out in virtual spaces
as a college professor told me
that this was the future I had to look forward to

The impossibility of such craziness was
unfathomable
Yet now here I sit
alone in my underware
freezing against the mechanically cooled air
that is being pumped in above my head
wishing it was warmer
but too lazy to turn it off.

I'm a product of my environment
of my country of origin
a statistic in someone else's dream
which I call my nightmare.

I've sold myself out by getting old before my time
and
giving up the life I once knew
out there.
On the streets.
In the jungle
bare souls
marching about
lives hanging heavily
over the shoulder
in the form of back pack straps
reminding us of where we were at.

I sit here
reminded of all that the system
has taught me to forget
by distracting me with devices
to make me think that I'm alive
when really I've just slipped into the matrix
of deception that has been built around me
is it any wonder why so many people
can't understand reality?

There is a universe out there
pulsing in through the veins of the earth
starting with the roots of the trees and
migrating all the way up through the sun
itself.
and I
sit here.
Writing.
Forgetting what it's like
to just
fuck-ing
BREATH.

Tags:

Poem from a Junky...

I like the way I feel
when I feed my addictions
forgive me but it's one of my
true convictions
Why should I feel bad that I'm
just a junky.
Maybe it's my role to play
in this cute little play
or farce called life
But it's gratifying to be gratified
and pleasurable to feel pleasure.
It's the one thing I'm good at
I don't belong in your world

I like the way I feel,
when I feed my addictions
the way my confidence soars over being stoned
The soul inside
finally being able to stand up and stretch as it breaks free
from this overworked body
The mind relaxing until I am free
to be what I can't be for you (me.)

I like the way that I feel,
when I take that puff,
or little white pill
when I don't drip I spill
onto the pages of the universe
like the slice of a pen
across the wrists
I become
numb enough
to let myself feel
alive when I'm high.

A Confession To My Dear Readers...

I have a few confessions to make. I'm not the nicest person in the world. I've got an old soul in a worn out body at 29 years old. I'm cranky and resentful of the world around me. I'm full of undealt with angst that makes me feel like a 17 year old kid again. This time I'm more in touch with my masculine side.

I feel like I need to some room to breath. I'd love it even more if I could see some trees, but I'm living in L.A. and getting ready to move to Vegas so I guess I won't see many of those anytime soon. All I see around me is dry, dusty, death and stagnant waters cluttered with the trash of broken dreams.

Everyday I feel another rotation of the sun older and a million miles further away from the life I used to know. I'm scared that I'm losing myself and not quite sure how to get back to who I really am. There's a panic in my throat that keeps me silent as I scream the scream of a mute. What am I supposed to do?

I've looked to the hills for advice, but no matter what my brain has learned the body will not listen to. I need a revolution. I am supposed to be a revolutionary. The only thing revolting about my life is that I don't do what I know I should be doing in my soul. I can't deal with emotion. It terrifies me. I don't like to let myself cry infront of others, but once I expose my self to you, the tears spill over like the rain from the darkest cloud.

I can't help it. I scare myself sometimes with paranoia. I question the truth behind every smile I see. I test everyone. I see it as it happens but almost as if through an observers position. When it's over, I kick myself in the ass and drink a lot.

I don't apologize for being a girl, infact I hardly think about the fact that I am one. (And when I do it kind of freaks me out, because I'm not sure that I feel like one.) Me in a dress is like a football player in drag. It's ridiculous and cruel and will never happen again.

I made it past 12, then 15, 17, 21, and 27 and have no idea how. I don't think I've slept right in 23 years. It's my mind.

I think about theories, religion, and ideas for psychological/sociological research all of the time. The current one I'm mulling over has to do with the mind. How does it decipher between reality and dreams? If we feel the emotional impact of our dreams while we are asleep, do they create memories as if they happened once upon a time when we were awake?

I'm on a grunge kick. I love grunge. It reminds me of that time when I was homeless and the streets were my home. There will never be another freedom like that.

Man, have we all got it so very very wrong!

Grandma's Boy....

It's been a really long time since I just let myself go and have a good time. With each day that goes by, I get a little older. Now that I'm a parent, I take my duties seriously. But how fucking bad do I need to just let go; and relax. Whoever said this growing up thing was easy was a soulless moron who knew nothing about depth.